It has been a few weeks since I have blogged. I have wanted to. I have not been able to. Not because I have been busy. Not because I did not have access to a computer. Not because I didn't have some ideas of what to blog about. I just couldn't.
My schedule is booked out months in advance. Communities and organizations expect me on certain dates to deliver on certain things...training, meetings, motivation, shadowing, a speech, strategy, coaching, etc. What is not booked out in advance is when depression will rear itself at a level that I am not expecting or prepared to deal with appropriately. Recently I have gone through one of the worst spells in a long time. I am working my way out of it. And I promise you there will be more blogs on more important subjects in the not so distant future.
But in the meantime, know that I am concentrating on my wellness. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be present for others and deliver in the ways that people expect at home and on the road.
I am acknowledging my irritability and fatigue. I am acknowledging and working through my difficulties in concentrating and remembering smaller details. I am working through my feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I am dealing with my anxiety and loneliness. I am working on taking care of my overwhelming feelings of being tired all the time.
I know I owe many of you emails or data or phone calls. I know that these keep adding up. And I know that when I don't respond people think it is because I am aloof, or preoccupied, or busy, or forgetful. To the outsider, I can only imagine what depression looks like when you are counting on someone who lives with it, but you don't know they are going through a spell. I feel horrible that I fail at taking care of things like communication at times like this. I want to so bad be able to manage that while working through the depression. But I can't.
As I said, I am on the upswing again. Over the coming weeks I will catch up. Promise.